THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

victim? who me? perpetrator? ME???

i am the queen of "issues"; knowing and processing my own and spotting, analyzing, and holding others in my life accountable to theirs, but there is one issue that somehow i've been able to overlook. that is, until i encountered it over a period of about 7 days, in three very distinct and seperate instances in my life with a good friend, my sister, and a person i was intrested in dating. i was walking around as dazed as if i'd just escaped a street fight and asking myself, what the hell is going on in my life right now? verbal abuse (in it's multitudinous forms) was a daily experience for me while growing up and i was realizing that for all these years i have both normalized it and denied or been unaware of it's impact on my self-esteem.

enter east/west books. two weeks ago, i am browsing the used section while thinking about my little sister, whom i hadn't seen in two years, and the cruel and undermining things she said about me to a good friend of mine who she'd just met, a man to whom i was weirdly attracted who blew up at me in a restaurant on our first date, snapped at me over the phone afterwards, and who didn't answer an email i wrote telling him his combativeness and sarcasm hurt my feelings, and a good friend who literally screamed at me, discounted my experience of our disagreement, and repeatedly attempted to emotionally batter me into submitting to her interpretation of events.

i came across a book titled "the verbally abusive relationship" by patricia evans that i picked up frowning and shaking my head like, no, this can't be it. i mean, the last week has been weird and crazy and emotionally volitile but, maybe it was the moon or that my dad was in town...anything but this....

i flipped it opened it and remembered that being able to name a thing can in itself be miraculously healing.

the book is written using male/female intimate relationships as the model in which verbal abuse occurs but i believe that the following can be applied to determine abuse in any relationship. the categories of verbal abuse evans defines are:

1) withholding- a choice to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof towards one's partner, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference.

2) countering- when the abuser sees his partner as an adversary and only seems able to thinkthe opposite of his partner. countering is one of the most destructive to a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it constantly denies the victim's reality, and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything.

3) discounting- denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse and is, therefore, one of the most insidious forms of verbal abuse. the victims feelings and experience are wrong, they are worth nothing. (i.e. "you're making a big deal out of nothing", you don't have a sense of humor", ''you blow everything out of proportion"etc.)

4) verbal abuse disguised as jokes- disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities or to her competency.

5) blocking and diverting- specifically controls interpersonal communication. the verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. blocking may be by direct demand or by switching the topic. diverting never answers the partners questions in a thoughtful and considerate way (accusatory, defensive, divisionary etc.)

6) accusing and blaming- a verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming his partner for his anger, irritaion, or insecurity.

7) judging and criticizing- the verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgement in a critical way. if she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he may be expressing his lack of acceptance of her. criticism disguised as help or advice is abusive.

8) trivializing- says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. when done in a frank and sincere tone of voice, it can be difficult to detect, so that the partner is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why.

9) undermining- witholds emotional support and erodes confidence and determination. sabotaging and direct squelches (i.e. "who asked you?", "it's over your head" 'you'll never make it"etc. ) are common.

10) threatening- manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears. verbally abusive threats usually involve the threat of loss or pain.

11) name calling- self explanatory

12) forgetting- involves both denial and covert manipulation. the declaration by the abuser that what occured didn't occur.

13) ordering- denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. when the abuser gives orders instead of asking respectfully for what he wants, he is treating his parnter as if she were automatically available to fulfil his wishes.

14) denial- i never said that, you're making that all up, we never had that conversation, you're getting upset about nothing, i don't know where you got that, you've got to be crazy when , he did day that, she's made nothing up, they did have that conversation, she's upset about something, her experience is real, she's not crazy.

15) abusive anger- when the abuser vents his anger on his parner, and releases the underlying tension he feels from his sense of personal poerlessness. as a result, the partner feels bad and the abuser feels good.

then she goes into addictive anger and then how to respond to verbal abuse, keeping the focus on the one experiencing the abuse as opposed to the abuser.

much more to say about this, and will post more later....cbell