Family Part One
my family is hilarious and the funniest thing about them is that they think i'm the one with jokes. i'm in san francisco right now because two months ago nonnie, my grandma who is 81 years old, decided that she needed all new furniture. her entire house is baby blue and white, her two favorite colors, from the carpets to the faux french blue velvet sofa's, covered until very recently in plastic, to the dining room, bedspreads and bath towels. my mom begged me to come with her to help get rid of the old furniture, clean out granny's garage and keep her company partly because granny, who is evil as the devil, is the bane of everyones existence, except mine. lawd chile she LOOOOOVE her some "princess christy-love," a fact that mystifies everyone in the family as i'm the pagan slut with no children, marriage prospects or mortgage and who, they all suspect, is a flaming lesbian because otherwise, wouldn't one of them have seen me with a man in the past 10 years, not to mention she's always talkin' about women?
so my mom booked our non refundable tickets and two days before we were to fly out, nonnie mentions casually to my mother that she's changed her mind, she doesn't think she needs new furniture after all but she's mighty glad that her only child and favorite grand daughter are kind enough to visit an old woman like herself who's kinfolk all live in n'awleans, that is they did live in n'awleans til that hurricane came and wiped everybody out (keeping in mind that all of my family fled the area before the disaster hit). ARRRGGGHH! so i'm pretty much stuck here until next thursday. am trying to make the most of it, furiously recording the hilarious diatribe against the world that my grandma spews with her every waking breath, bless her heart.
things you should know about my grandmother miss mayola maybanks-davis-simon;
though she's black as a bowl of prunes, she's been using bleaching cream for the last 60 years and expects to turn "light skinned" any day now.
she spends $80/jar on anti-wrinkle cream that she slathers on at night and attributes her perfect wrinkle free skin to lancome. i once tried to explain melanin to her, but she just pretended like she didn't understand me. this trip, my mom and i convinced her that oil of olay works just as well.
her first husband, my grandpa louis, who lived 85 years on planet earth, never believed in space travel. he believed that the US travelling to the moon was a big hoax on the american people. (to what end, he never explained).
her second husband, whom we all called "uncle sy" said to me on his deathbed, "when i die, i'd ruther come back a white mule than a black anything! that's just how bad they treat us. you don't know how they treat us."
granny not only believes that jesus was black, she also believes that he was lynched and "crucified" is a word white folk today use to cover that up.
she's cut my dad out of all the pictures she has of him and my mom together.
she subscribes to ebony, jet and essence and cuts out all the articles in the newspaper with pictures of black people next to them and sends them to my mom.
she makes pralines so good, your teeth fall out when you eat them.
but the best thing about her is that when the student loan people call her looking for me, she always says she doesn't know who i am or where i live. THAT'S LOVE!
and now, wisdom and words of advice from grandma:
"you too old to be marryin' for love. y'need to find you a man with some money!" (an interesting bit of trivia: about eight years ago, she tried to fix me up with a mortician who went to her church and i actually went on a date with him to shut her up!)
"i hate to say it baby, but you prolly gon end up wit a white man. ain't no nigger out there good enough f'you..."
"what? they don't sell girdles at victoria secrets?" (granny has been trying to convince me for years that i need to wear a girdle)
"you'd be so cute if it weren't for dem nigger knots y'got in y'head!" (referring to my dredlocks)
"y'know, you could make a good livin' as a (choose one:) post office employee, hair dresser, teacher etc."
"you a writer, ain'tcha? am i gon die befo' ya book come out?"
"as long as you happy, you can do anything you want to do."
"you don't need no man."
so my mom booked our non refundable tickets and two days before we were to fly out, nonnie mentions casually to my mother that she's changed her mind, she doesn't think she needs new furniture after all but she's mighty glad that her only child and favorite grand daughter are kind enough to visit an old woman like herself who's kinfolk all live in n'awleans, that is they did live in n'awleans til that hurricane came and wiped everybody out (keeping in mind that all of my family fled the area before the disaster hit). ARRRGGGHH! so i'm pretty much stuck here until next thursday. am trying to make the most of it, furiously recording the hilarious diatribe against the world that my grandma spews with her every waking breath, bless her heart.
things you should know about my grandmother miss mayola maybanks-davis-simon;
though she's black as a bowl of prunes, she's been using bleaching cream for the last 60 years and expects to turn "light skinned" any day now.
she spends $80/jar on anti-wrinkle cream that she slathers on at night and attributes her perfect wrinkle free skin to lancome. i once tried to explain melanin to her, but she just pretended like she didn't understand me. this trip, my mom and i convinced her that oil of olay works just as well.
her first husband, my grandpa louis, who lived 85 years on planet earth, never believed in space travel. he believed that the US travelling to the moon was a big hoax on the american people. (to what end, he never explained).
her second husband, whom we all called "uncle sy" said to me on his deathbed, "when i die, i'd ruther come back a white mule than a black anything! that's just how bad they treat us. you don't know how they treat us."
granny not only believes that jesus was black, she also believes that he was lynched and "crucified" is a word white folk today use to cover that up.
she's cut my dad out of all the pictures she has of him and my mom together.
she subscribes to ebony, jet and essence and cuts out all the articles in the newspaper with pictures of black people next to them and sends them to my mom.
she makes pralines so good, your teeth fall out when you eat them.
but the best thing about her is that when the student loan people call her looking for me, she always says she doesn't know who i am or where i live. THAT'S LOVE!
and now, wisdom and words of advice from grandma:
"you too old to be marryin' for love. y'need to find you a man with some money!" (an interesting bit of trivia: about eight years ago, she tried to fix me up with a mortician who went to her church and i actually went on a date with him to shut her up!)
"i hate to say it baby, but you prolly gon end up wit a white man. ain't no nigger out there good enough f'you..."
"what? they don't sell girdles at victoria secrets?" (granny has been trying to convince me for years that i need to wear a girdle)
"you'd be so cute if it weren't for dem nigger knots y'got in y'head!" (referring to my dredlocks)
"y'know, you could make a good livin' as a (choose one:) post office employee, hair dresser, teacher etc."
"you a writer, ain'tcha? am i gon die befo' ya book come out?"
"as long as you happy, you can do anything you want to do."
"you don't need no man."
posted by Christa Bell @ 6:21 PM
3 Comments:
At 2:47 PM,
Unknown said…
i love the way you write christa....so vivid. i can always see the images in your words crystal clear. this one was wonderfully uplifting! thanks!!
At 11:42 PM,
Angel said…
*sigh* the blessings from the elders! both a beauty and a beast on the ears and to the heart... my granny just celebrated her 79th (or maybe it's the 80th?) birthday on september 11th. she says similar things to me...and she also talks about my locs fairly often. her current questions is: "how long are you gonna let them get? are you gonna let them grow to your feet and drag on the floor? that's dirty..." hahhahahah
At 5:09 PM,
Mahogany L. Browne said…
im goin see our grandma in december u can choose to introduce us or not. prailines is like a calling card for unexpected visitors!
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